The surest way to have productive, non-confrontational communication with your partner is to do it in writing. This might sound strange or cumbersome at first, but as you read further you might come to see its value and potential.
The written word is the purest form of communication, because you are allowed to select your words as carefully as you wish without being rushed or influenced by the presence of the recipient. Then, when the recipient receives it, they are required to read and consider every word in order to get the meaning. This requires their full attention and patience. The result is a much purer transfer of thoughts with no opportunity to strike back immediately without thinking. This is the magic of this communication method.
Here is the process for this non-confrontational communication method. Start by writing down all your thoughts, concerns, and desires on paper. In others, do an "appraisal" of your partner and relationship. Your partner should do the same. It is important that you do this activity in separate rooms or locations. This step may take a several hours or days. The next step is to exchange them, BUT read them in separate rooms or locations as well. The reasons for separation will become clear to you in the end. This next part is crucial. You must agree NOT to get back together to discuss them until any anger has dissipated, and your minds have returned to a clear and relaxed state. This may take several hours, days, or even a week or more. In addition, you must agree not to consume any alcohol or drugs during any part of the process. Next we'll get into further detail on how to do your appraisal.
Appraising Your Partner & Relationship
In order for your appraisal to be complete, you need to start by making a list of all the possible areas that you want to consider. You might create this list with your partner, but do not have any discussions. Just create the list. Categories might include: attitude, social, money, appearance, disagreements, sex, responsibility, and dreams.
You might start the evaluation process by rating each category using words like excellent, good, or needs improvement. Follow this by adding comments to clarify your rating, offer ways to improve, or convey compliments. Also, be sure to include your personal needs, desires, and dreams in the appraisal or on a separate piece of paper.
Here are some thoughts to consider as you proceed with the appraisal. The purpose of this process is twofold: To give you the opportunity to evaluate the health your relationship and to provide your partner with feedback that they can use to improve themselves and your relationship. The goal is to perform an appraisal that is honest, compassionate, and free of any self-serving behavior.
Examining Each Others Appraisal
Here are some thoughts to consider before you go into your private session to examine the appraisal your partner completed on you.
First, get yourself into a mindset of looking at this activity as an extraordinary opportunity to gain self-awareness. This will require courage, the courage to face criticism directly, and evaluate it objectively without becoming defensive.
Keep in mind that what is written about you is your partner's true feelings. Therefore, they are not arguable. You may be able to challenge some of the facts, but you cannot challenge their feelings because they are their actual perceptions.
Your focus should be on gaining understanding of their evaluation of you, and how they came to those conclusions. This will require that you put yourself in their place. Becoming defensive is not productive for your own benefit or that of the relationship.
The information contained in the appraisal holds the key to unlocking the treasure chest of gifts that your partner is capable of giving to the one they love. Do not under estimate is value!
Meeting for Enlightenment & Resolution
The final step is to meet with your partner to discuss your appraisals. As mentioned before, it is imperative that you do not have this meeting until both partners are calm and clear-headed. Again, no alcohol or drugs are allowed.
The meeting that you will have with your partner is the most significant part of this entire process. In fact, it could produce some of most profound communications of your entire relationship. Or even, perhaps, any relationship you have ever had!
The attitude that you take into this meeting needs to be consistent with your expectations of what you want to get out of it. In other words, if you want your partner to be open to what you put in their appraisal, you need to be open as well. If you want them to show a willingness to change, you must be willing too. If you want them to have an interest in your dreams, you must present your interest in theirs. If you want them to be responsive to your needs, you must be ready to do the same.
As you discover solutions, create plans, and identify objectives write them down as goals. You might use the what, how much, and by when format. Don't miss out on this opportunity to make some real satisfying change in your self, your partner, and your relationship.
As a review, here are the three (3) steps.
1. Appraise Your Partner & Relationship (Privately)
2. Examine Each Other's Appraisal (Privately)
3. Meet for Enlightenment & Resolution (Together)
That's it. Go try it!
Brad Paul
"Find a way, or create your own path!"
Copyright © Brad Paul
If you would like to learn more about this technique and get a unique, easy-to-use communication tool that will guide you through the entire process, you will find it in my book entitled, "The Couple's Review™." For information & to buy click
http://www.propelpublications.com/tcr_overview.htm
To download a FREE sample of my book entitled, "The Couple's Review™" click
http://www.propelpublications.com/tcr_sample.htm
http://www.propelpublications.com/ (Propel Publications - Home Page)
No comments:
Post a Comment